Wife One

• Tax benefits
• Problematic and gay
• Cheap and effective
• We didn't love each other
• Great when she's not crashing
• Dumb
• Funny
• Generally just goofy as hell

Wife Two

• Money
• Reasonably attainable
• Tastes like a mildewy dish sponge
• $65 worth of hole
• Spread chlamydia at one point in time
• Cheated on me with Autumn
• "Won" in the divorce
• Gets so turned on by rain she starts leaking
• Tyrannical fucking monster
• Stabbed me
• Pushed me down a flight of stairs

Wife Three

• Love
• Sounds just like music
• Very pretty redhead
• CompSci major
• Dies tragically of a terminal illness shortly after our marriage
• Has committed crimes and may be wanted in the state of Indiana
• Loved and supported me
• Smells of cinnamon, tastes of sweet fruit

Wife Four

• Penis (limp and flaccid)
• An attempt to re-ignite the spark of love I felt for Wife #3
• Far right
• Skank
• Hot
• Has Guns
• Anorexic

Wife Five

• An attempt to re-ignite the spark of love I felt for Wife #3
• Alcoholic
• Dramatic

Wife Six

• An attempt to re-ignite the spark of love I felt for Wife #3
• Jumped off a bridge
• Crunchy
• Dusty

Wife Seven

• An attempt to re-ignite the spark of love I felt for Wife #3. Comes closer, but ultimately fails.
• Helps me fake my own death and move to Berlin

Wife Eight

• Hallucination as a result of dementia in my late 90s
• An enigma
• Reminiscent of ass & headaches
• Concept was released as public domain on January 17th, 2025.